More Please!!!

I'm a bit off my game today. No, let's just say it ---
I'm crabby. On Friday night I had an upsetting phone conversation with a man that I've known since I was 14 years old. It set the tempo for the weekend.

Tick-a Tick-a Tick-a Tick Tick Tick Tick....

A disturbing tempo.

After many years of wondering what happened to "him", then writing, and finally, reconnecting, I began to feel that it is possible to rewrite our past while intertwining it with today's reality...

Did I really want to spend the rest of my life listening to so much talk of football? I was willing to, but would I have been happy? I guess I'll never know. Would he adjust his life to include me and my two little pups, in exchange for a woman by his side for the rest of his life? I guess not.

It is 'the end'. He had a chance to spend the rest of his life with someone who really truly loves him, but he is stuck in a place he found himself in a decade ago - hurt by divorce. His wife cheated on him and then left him. He's still in that place, afraid to be hurt again. Damaged, carrying really heavy baggage. I will never understand why people carry it along with them, holding it close like a prized possession, like a velvet bag of treasures, it goes everywhere with them.

But No!! It's Crap!! Put it down, throw it in the ditch! Bury it in a field! Whatever you need to do to move on. Lighten the load for a more sparkling future. Why not feel the victory of defeating that stabbing painful heartache. The fear of heartache immobilizes some people, leaving them unable to move forward, to attain a happy future.

And so that you don't misread me, it's not that I don't understand how it happens. I do. I've had my share of hurt, cried many tears. Then I sucked it up and began my life anew. Twice. I'm stronger for putting the past right where it belongs; in the past.

Not coincidentally, this is my horoscope for today:

It's fine if others want to settle for the middle ground, but you see nothing happy about that. You know yourself, and you need more.

It goes on at length, but you get the picture. I'm not going to settle for a continuation of the relationship I thought I was in all these years. It wasn't what I thought it was. My mistake. I need more than a phone call when it's convenient, more than a visit when he's in my city. I am worth more than the drive, all those miles, just to be with me, more than a phone call, even if it's from the landline, when long distance charges apply!!!

Yes. I'm worth more!!